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Feb. 20th, 2011


Feeling Better About Our Relationship:)

 Here the past few weeks I have been really shocked at how Alan has been towards me! I would almost swear that he has read this journal but I know he hasnt because if he did he would have told me he did lol. Looking back now I think it all stems from him finding out what was going on with me. Im not complaining though at all!!:) He has told me a couple of times that he wanted me to know how special I was and that he appreciates everything I do for him and the kids. THAT made my heart melt!! And you know what?? On Valentines he surprised me with flowers and a card!!!!! I was on cloud nine:) Its not him buying me stuff that made it special, it was the fact that he knew it was a special day and he went out of his way to show me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him:) I also got to voice my opinion on something else that has been bothering me too. A week or so ago we were watching the waltons and on the show John gives Johnboy some marriage advice. He tells him to ever so often spice it up and do something out of the ordinary and surprise her. Alan then asked me if I thought he did that with me and I was honest but I just smiled and said not really:) So now he knows!:)  But anyway things seem to be better and I am so glad:) I hope it continues...I love him with all my heart and soul and always will, I just sometimes feel that we slip into a boring routine where its always the exact same thing 24/7 and no real one on one time. I dont think its all on him either...I think that this that Im going through has dramatized it alot, Im overly emotional and sensitive and normal things that normally wouldnt bother me does right now. 

Jan. 27th, 2011


The Story Of Us...

 Not sure why I am doing this, I guess its to re-live those moments back then, to catch a glimpse of what was.

Also because I just LOVE this story!:) As much as I wish our relationship was better...more vibrant and 

passionate, I still know without a doubt that Alan is the one for me. I thank God every day for him and I love

him dearly!:) So here is our story....Before Alan came into the picture I was married to lonnie. He is the father of

my three children. Me and lonnie had a very rocky and ruff 12 yrs together. It started out pretty good...(although

as I look back now I can see the signs I should have been wary over), but as each yr came and went, the way 

he treated me got progressively worse. He would cheat on me MANY times and then come crying to me saying

he was sorry and to please forgive him...and of course I always did. He abused me severely emotionally and

mentally and was borderline physically abusive. He did alot of shoving and pushing me up against walls, or 

grabbing me by my head. His sense of humor was nothing but one that was filled with demeaning and cruel

comments...mainly towards myself. I wasnt happy and all my friends begged and pleaded for me to leave

him. But I stayed because I "thought" he would change for several yrs...then after that it was because I didnt

want to break up the family, after all...marriage was suppose to be for life! So I just put up with it. I could 

name tons of particular stories of how he was but I will just point out one...once when I was 9 months 

pregnant with our first child Kaitlyn, we was moving and he didnt want to have to move anything so he made

ME move it all into our new home by myself, furniture, dressers, beds and all and also up a flight of stairs 

because we lived in a split level duplex. And to make things worse the whole time I was moving he was

sitting in the living room floor watching me struggle and taunting me by hollering out remarks like..."I told 

you I wasnt going to lift a finger, so now its all on you and your damned self".  Geez as I look back now

I wonder why the HELL I stayed with him for so long!!! I guess partly because of the reasons I listed earlier

and also because when he apologized with tears and all I always fell for it. Anyway..back to the story:)....

He was the one who always worked...I was too busy being pregnant lol. But when I was pregnant with our 

third child...I had my oldest who was 3 and my middle who was 1 and was 8 months pregnant with our third

He left me for a 18 yr old girl he worked with. No notice...just came to me and said he didnt love me

anymore and that he was leaving me for her. 2 days later he left me with a 3 & 1 yr old and pregnant with no

job and no income. Did he give me child support? Hell no...he said he didnt have it to give...he was living off

his new girlfriend. Now here I am 8 mnths pregnant with two more kids under the age of 4..who is going to

hire me? I needed money fast. I started applying for jobs with not even a clue what I was going to do for 

child care. Minumum wage for a full weeks pay would barely be enough to pay for child care let alone

any bills, and I had no one to turn to for help...not even my family. I scrounged and put off bills for a couple of

months but no one had called me and I was desperate. I went for assistance and they said theyd put me 

on a waiting list for help and that MAYBE 6 to 8 months later they could help me get into a place and help 

with bills until I could get stable again. So..like many nights...I cried myself to sleep each night and looking

at my precious 3 yr old, 1 yr old and newborn I knew I HAD to do something...I HAD to support them. 

The reason I am putting so much detail into this part is to try and let people see exactly how I was feeling

and what lead me to my next move and why. Because it was then that I opened the paper up and looked

at the ads for exotic dancers. I had heard they made good money..but me?? I wasnt no dancer!!! And boy

was I not! lol I grew up a strict baptist..I wasnt even allowed to dance because (dancing was of the devil)

LOL. So I didnt even know how to dance, I just knew I HAD to do something for my kids. It was cash each

night and by this time we were going to be kicked out of our home and electric turned off within a week

so even a regular job wouldnt have helped me then because it takes 2 to 4 weeks before you even get a

a first check. I was SOOO nervous and I honestly didnt see myself a "stripper" type, but I felt like I had to 

make myself do it for my kids. I walked into Diamonds & Lace...a showbar in Chattanooga and talked to 

the owner. She told me to get up on the stage and do one number and if I could do it without running off

the stage in mid song she would hire me lol. I chose a song and I did it! I had no outfits but there was

some girls there that was sweet and lent me one of theirs. The kids stayed with lonnie on the nights

I worked so I wouldnt have to worry with child care. It took time but I eventually started enjoying my job.

The money was good and for me...when I got onto that stage..I danced out whatever feelings I was feeling

at the time. I had like 3 cd's of songs I chose myself that was mine and I would choose which song to do

next and I would "get into" the music and let my body fly with the beat and words. Music was my escape so

to speak:) Also it helped that this was a very classy and upscale bar...none of the girls was sleezy except for

one lol, and we only had about 10 dancers so it was a small place. We had a bar next door to the stage.

You had to go outside the front door of the place and turn and go into another door to get to the bar part

because alcohol wasnt allowed int he same room as the stage. After several weeks lonnie broke off with

his girlfriend and wanted me back...long story short..i took him back but he said it was on his terms. I had

to do whatever he said and treat him like a king. He refused to work and seemed to like to brag that he had

a dancer who payed all the bills and all he had to do was sit at home. I wasnt happy at all but I figured at

least the kids had a father and mother that was together. We lived basically seperate lives just in the same

house. Now...in the meantime once when I was at work...a friend of mine had a customer that would come 

in and "rent" her for an hr in the bar. He would come in once a week i think and hire her to come over to the

bar and just sit and talk with him for an hr. no dancing, nothing but sitting and drinking and chatting and that

made very good money. She came to me saying she wanted me to meet this man that she sits with for an

hr. I said ok so after I had my turn on stage, I ran over and met this man named Alan:) He was sitting there

with blue jeans on, a nice tucked in shirt along with his cowboy hat:) Boy was he handsome:) I would run

back into the stage room when it was my number again and then run back:) We chatted, drank a few beers

and played table football the whole time lol. I was taken back at how sweet he was and how respectful he

was. He never went into the stage area and never really explained why but I think it was because he felt he

would somehow be disrespecting the women by doing that. But he was content at just having someone

to talk to...he also had went through some horrible times with an ex of his and he missed having 

companionship and something to look forward to and what better way to have some company and 

someone to sit and talk with than in a bar?  After that...each week he rented us both for that hr and we 

would chat, play table football and drink:) I was blown away with his manners...he scooted chairs out for

us, lit our cigarettes for us...I had never witnessed this type of behavior before and I honestly didnt know

what to think about it. He became a very good and close friend to me, one that I felt I could confide in and

lean on. I never thought of him more because he was so much older than me, I honestly didnt think he had

any other feelings for me other than friendship. Meanwhile back at home, lonnie was still being a complete 

jerk, cheating on me, belittling me...telling me how I was so stupid and not worth anyones time. It was in

these times that I noticed my oldest who was only 5 take on a sort of a adult role in the family. Whenever he

went off on one of his tempers she would be the one to come to me and try to comfort me and make me 

feel better. No 5 yr old needs to have that responsibility!!!!! I told lonnie that I was leaving him and he said

if I did that he would go right into the kids room right then and tell them what a bad mommy I was and that

I was breaking up their family (it was at night when this happened). I was heartbroken but I had had enough.

So...I told him ok....you have it your way buster..I wont leave but you can just get used to the fact that we are

two seperate people living in the same house...you will go your own way and I will go my own way..our

marriage is over and has been for a long time now. This went on for months like this. The more time that

passed by, the less I was happy. Meantime at work...work slowed down DRASTICALLY and it was a miracle

if I brought home 50 dollars a night. Alot of the other girls left and went to a new bar down in rossville and 

was saying they made good money so I left Diamonds and went there..Sugar & Spice. Alan of course

followed me and my friend there and he became a regular there. The stage was in the same room as the 

bar but it was on the other side of the building and he always stayed up at the bar lol. It was here that I

really became depressed and felt like I meant nothing to no one. At home I had a supposably husband who

didnt really love me and only kept me around to pay the bills...and at work...I was only looked at as an object.

This never bothered me before because I loved my music and dancing..it became a "good" part of me and

a release. But now that I had no one, the feelings of not worth anything flooded me. I started drinking

ALOT. I would drink a 12 pack each night whereas before I would only drink maybe 4. Then the beer wasnt

drowning out my feelings enough so I started stopping by the liquor store on my way into work each night

and buying a pint of vodka along with a big bottle of orange juice. I would poor out the orange juice halfway

and then poor in the vodka and I would drink that at work along with beer lol. They did bag checks each

night but either they were dumb or just didnt care as long as they could say they checked:) I had no one. 

I was close at all with my family...most of them I didnt speak to unless I had to, my one best friend was

down in louisianna, and my own husband didnt love me. I wanted to die and I hated men with a passion.

I felt like that fairy tale they tell you about was just a hoax, that love never lasts and the pain you suffer in the

end isnt worth it. One night I was on stage and all this hit me hard all at once. I felt the tears coming but

there was no stopping them, so I tried my best to keep my back turned the whole time I danced or at least

my head down so that people wouldnt see me crying. I turned once and saw Alan walk in. And I dont know

why but the moment I saw him I "knew" I loved him. I didnt want to love him but I did. I ran off stage and threw

myself into his arms bawling like a baby lol. He comforted me and calmed me down. Then when I was 

backstage my friend came to me and said....you know dont you that Alan likes you more than a friend. I said 

WHAT??? NO WAY!! lol...she said yes he does...he just feels that for one your married and doesnt want to

intrude on that, and two that you think he's too old for you. I kept this knowledge to myself for awhile and I

continued as always. Then one of the managers started trying to become fresh on me and I wasnt going to

play that game..I had decided to get a job in Knoxville as a dancer at one of their showbars. I told alan about

this and he got the weirdest look on his face and said....."so now I guess Im gonna have to drive to 

knoxville each weekend to see you LOL. That took me offguard...why in the heck would he go out of his way

like that to see a dancer when there was plenty of others right there! Well...I spent two weekends in 

knoxville until one night after work I had some customers who waited for me to leave and then proceeded to

follow me...they were mad at me because I refused to go with them back to their hotel after I got off work. 

They followed me it seemed like forever and I was running my poor car at 120 miles an hr and I was praying

for a cop but no such luck...I finally swiped off onto an exit and lost them. I met Alan at waffle house that 

morning and told him what had happened. It was then that he offered me a job working for him building

houses. I said yes:) And that was the end of my dancing career:) Im not ashamed of it at all...it taught me

alot and it built my self-esteem up which was something lonnie broke down over 12 yrs to nothing. Dancing

in my eyes isnt bad...its not for everyone and there is dangers but for the most part its girls who are just

trying to support their kids or get through college. The bad dancers make all of us look bad. And to me it

wasnt demeaning...it actually made me appreciate my body more..something I had never done before. Me

and Alan started dating..we spent all the time we could together and he had come quite fond of my kids. 

It got worse at my house though and for the first time I was able to let go and not feel remorse. One night

I told lonnie that I was done living this way and that he was never going to change and that I wanted him out.

He of course poored on the tears, etc but this time...the tears no longer fazed me. Then he started with his

crap again about how I was breaking up the family, etc and I couldnt take it anymore. I told him we were over

and I wanted him out within a month...I gave him time to find somewhere to go. I was SO upset that night 

though that I left and went down to the gas station to call Alan. This was like at 2 in the morning lol He wasnt

at home I thought so I left a

message. I got back into my car and started driving very fast towards back home...I was bawling and I 

could barely see the road...I was flooded with emotions. Was I doing what was best? Yes I was breaking

up the family but I also didnt want my kids to grow up thinking that it was ok for a man to treat a woman like

that. When I had just about gotten back home..I noticed some bright head lights in my back window. I 

slowed down and turned into a gas station. At that point Alan swung in his car blocking mine and pretty

much leaped out of his car and took me in his arms. He held me as I cried for a moment and then he took

my face into his hands and lifted my face up and told me that it was going to be ok..that he loved me and that

he was there now. And it was SO geniune and powerful...I will NEVER forget that moment as long as I live:)

I guess whatever I left as a message scared him..(cant remember what it was I said exactly now) but it

worried him enough to where he felt he had to get to me. So..a couple of weeks passed and then one day

sitting at home my oldest daughter proceeded to tell me (very timidly) that she wished her daddy would 

stop hurting her and she hated when I left for work and left me with him. I asked why and she told me he 

had been sexually abusing her..some of the details she gave me was enough for me...things that I KNEW 

lonnie did, phrases he used, etc. My heart hit the floor. I immediately grabbed the kids up and left the

house and called Alan. When Alan arrived he went with me to talk to the police. Luckily the police were nice

and said they couldnt legally make lonnie leave the house but they could suggest it to where it made him

feel like he had to. They went and told lonnie that he had 24 hrs to get out of the house. I didnt want to lay

eyes on him anymore or else I would have killed him. We took her to a hospital to be checked and the

evidence was inconclusive. Her ring had been broke but that wasnt enough to prosecute.  So lonnie left

and soon Alan moved in:) It was nice having a man around that the kids could actually look up to and learn

good things from. And although it took time for me, it was nice for me too having a man that actually 

respected women and treated them as they should be treated. I kept waiting for his "mask" to come off

and show his bad side lol, but that never happened and still hasnt to this very day 7 yrs later. The kids

have come to love him and even call him daddy most of the time....to me..he IS there dad, he is the one who

loves them unconditionally and takes care of them day in and day out...something their biological dad

has never done. I could be happier in my life...but for the important things and who Im with...I couldnt and 

wouldnt have it any other way:) I love him dearly and I thank God for him. I consider our song that song by

rascal flatts - Bless The Broken Road because I truly feel that I wouldnt have what I have today if I hadnt of

went through all those bad times. The other song I think of is Kenny Chesneys - You Had Me From Hello:)

Jan. 21st, 2011


Jealousy & Dullness

 Here I am again....with feelings inside me so strong sometimes that I feel like I could explode. Most of

the time I just bury my head into the covers on the bed and cry it out...it helps. I have an awesome

family and an even more wonderful husband, but sometimes I just wish that he could get inside me and

see what I'm seeing and feel what I feel day in and day out. To be honest, I am sure that he probably

feels the same way towards me lol. We have a wonderful marriage but its just SO dull and boring right

now and has been that way for a good long while. The biggest contributor to that is financial. We are

having some bad times right now and every penny that he brings home goes to bills. Going out to eat

together, buying a gift for each other on special hoildays, going on a date, bringing home something

special "just because", etc hasnt happened in over a yr. We did go out last year with some friends of

ours for the weekend which was nice but I dont really consider that since it was all planned out by our

friends and not him..it wasnt because "he" felt the need to add some spark or just get away together

for a few hrs or wanted to revive our marriage. If I thought back, the last time "he" did this would 2 or 3

yrs ago. I do understand that we just dont have the money and bills have to come first but I also believe

that after so much time goes by, there comes a point when your marriage needs to be priority and

each of you need a small break or recluse from all the depression and stresses of every day life. He

goes to work every day working for a crappy boss with little pay, Im stuck here at home within these 4

walls praying that someone would call me for a job from all the apps I have put in to try and help our

situation, Im bored and lonely all day...hubby is stressed and in alot of pain all day from his job. He

comes home from work in the evening, kids come home from school...I cook beans and biscuits, or

whatever food we have..we all eat seperatly in our own little space, we put the kids to bed...we each go

back to our little "spaces" and then we go to bed and start it all over again the next day. And this goes

on every single day with no change month after month, year after year and I feel like we are just

walking through the motions of life and not living it. Special holidays are the same except for the

"happy birthday" we give each other that morning....or the "happy valentines day" or the "merry

christmas"....just another day. I remember when nights used to be "our" time to be together and to

connect. We would lay down in bed together with the radio on and just lay there rubbing each

other..touching each other(non-sexual) and we would talk for a good long while about our feelings, our

day, our dreams, our fears and those times were so precious to me! I just feel so disconnected to him

right now and I wish that ever so often he would do something to bring the spark and romance back

into our lives, that way I would know and feel like he truly cared about our marriage and our

relationship. And it doesnt even cost money alot of the times...during the warmer months he could just

out of the blue tell me to get ready, that he is taking us somewhere and drive us to a pretty area to

have a picnic and have some togetherness without the kids and stresses. Take me to a cheap

restraunt to have a dinner together with just us like once every 2 or 3 months. Make a special dinner

for us by candlelight and music after the kids go to bed with some wine or beer in our living room or

kitchen. Just something!! I feel like I am dying here in this day in, day out with absolutely nothing thats

working towards making our relationship stronger and more vibrant. Am I asking too much? Should I

just say screw it and just accept that this isnt going to ever happen and I might at well get used to it? I

mentioned jealousy because I am becoming increasingly jealous over a couple of friends of ours thats

also married. At least once a month he will get on facebook and post the most beautiful message to

her, describing what she is to him and how much he appreciates her and how much she means to him

and the words he uses and the passion you can feel in those words just melt my heart!!! My hubby

never does this:( I guess its the whole point that he is openly confessing his love for her in public so to

speak so that everyone knows how he feels about her that is the most enduring. I find myself being so

jealous over that and wishing that I had a husband that felt towards me like he does her to the point of

always wanting to express it. The sad part is that when I add these two things up I feel like the reason

my husband doesnt surprise me with anything, take me out, buy me something small but special,

make any effort to grow our relationship, never shows much public affection...I feel its because he

doesnt feel the same way towards me like he used to. Because he USED to do all these

things....keyword being "used to". So I honestly feel that although I think he does love me still, he

doesnt have the same feelings for me that he used to have, or else I feel he would still be trying to do

some of these things. I blame myself for this..I havent been the perfect wife, or at least the wife he

thought he was getting and I am paying for it now. I try to do better and to change but admist all this I

just get so depressed and overwhelmed that I loose all motivation to do anything, I just want to curl up

and die. I dont know...maybe things will one day change, maybe they wont..until then I'll deal with it.


Oct. 27th, 2010


Holidays Are Coming Up

Well luckily with Halloween I was able to pull off getting all 3 kids costumes this year so I dont feel like too much of a failure this time.  Seems I feel like that alot. We do our best but alot of the times it just doesnt seem like enough. Within one months time I have two kids birthdays and christmas lol. Not fun:) I am looking forward to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday out of all of them. Its about the only time I get to go visit my grandmother whom I dearly dearly love and we all eat at her house each year. My grandmother has always been really like a mother to me and growing up we were so close. Now with me being an adult and having kids of my own and a family we dont get that time very often and I find myself looking forward to it each year:) I dont know...I guess I love thanksgiving because of what it represents. Love of family, closeness, togetherness. You dont have to worry about gifts or anything, just bring yourself and a hug:) And who can argue with all the food??? lol yummmm:)  

Oct. 8th, 2010


Feeling Lost and Lonely

I am a mom to 3 wonderful kids and a wife to an absolutely amazing man. Now first off I would like to say that although I am having these feelings and emotions, I still feel truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I love him with all my heart and all in all we have an awesome relationship. He is my second marriage and last:) We have been together now for 6 yrs. If you would like a little bio of how we met and all I have it listed in my bio on my profile page. He treats me with the utmost respect, never raises his voice, always is willing to help out, etc. The thing that I loved the most about him when we met was how we used to talk and spend time together. We talked openly about our feelings, hopes and dreams, we went out together as a couple, we laughed, etc. And when we had any chance to be together we took it. Now I am feeling all of that slowly slip away. I am a stay at home mom due to mainly kids and transportation issues. He works from about 7 in the morning till around 7 at night 5 days a week. I miss him and I miss us. Usually during the week I dont get out very much, we dont have alot of money so when he gets his check on fridays, the weekends is when I go out and do shopping, paying bills, etc and by monday all the money for the week is gone lol. There was a time when there would be no question about this...if I was getting out to go do something and he was home he came with me, not because I asked him but because he wanted to, it gave us more time to spend together. Ever so often he would surprise me and take me out to eat when we had the money. Or he would light the house with candlelight with music and food after the kids went to bed. Now it seems as if all thats gone. It has gotten to where on the weekends when I go out to run errands, get groceries, etc..I am always going by myself. Now the thing is...is that if I asked him would he go with me...he would go without even a grumble...but from my point of view if he really wanted to go and to spend time with me, he would just come, or ask if I would like him to come along...but he doesnt. So that makes me feel like he doesnt want to go. And in my eyes if I have to ask him if he would go with me then I would rather him stay home because I would know that he was only coming because I asked and not because he truly wanted to. I sit at home all week long in these 4 walls with no one to talk to..my life during the week consists of cleaning house and facebook lol. I am on facebook alot because thats the only connection to other human beings I have. I have close friends and family on there and it makes me feel a little bit normal. Thats another thing that bugs me...he has a facebook also but basically only uses it to play a game or two and to see if he has any messages. I will be sitting at home and sometimes throughout the day I will post something about how much I love him or how thankful I am of him, sometimes I will post status shuffles to "hint" to him how I am feeling and he most of the time never reads them. If I want him to read them I have to tell him...hey I posted something I want you to read and then he will go read it but even then he wont comment...he'll just say something like I love you too sweetie to my face lol. It may seem trivial and it might just be a manifestation of my feelings and emotions on us not ever doing anything together anymore but it hurts and I get so jealous because I see other husband and wives writting each other all the time on facebook and I wish that we were like that. I mean..do I just not mean that much to him anymore to where he has no interest in what I have wrote throughout the day? I think if the tables were turned when I got home his page would be the first I would go to if I knew he was on facebook alot simply because I want to be as much part of his life as possible. Maybe thats just it..I dont feel like he is a part of my life anymore...I am married and we love each other but everything that is part of my immediate life I do solo. I sit at home by myself, I am on facebook by myself, I go run errands by myself, I go grocery shopping by myself. I just feel so alone and as my screen name says...invisible! I remember back when we were dating and for several years afterwards how much passion I saw in his eyes just when he looked at me, kissed me, or took me in his arms and I miss that. I have talked with him before on this to some extent and he says he loves me as much as he always has, that its not me but him. He says he has so much stress on him right now with bills, work and also he is in alot of physical pain from working that no one can do anything about. He says he trys to hide alot of the pain because he doesnt want me to know how much pain he is in but I see it and I know. Most of the time after a weeks work he just doesnt feel like getting out and doing anything on the weekends except resting and getting ready for the next week ahead. I truly can understand this, I really can but what am I suppose to do with how I feel? Am I just being selfish and should I just accept it and learn to deal with it? That this is the way its gonna be from now on? One other thing I feel that may be adding to it is that I dont feel he truly understands what I do and go through each day. I feel that he feels I just sit around and do not much of nothing all day and that I am lazy and he is the one out there busting his butt. Could this be one reason why he feels differently for me and isnt as interested in me as he used to be? Although he says he still does? I am by no means a clean freak and I dont cook much...I used to cook more often back when our oven worked but after it broke I slacked off even more from cooking. But I still cook a big meal several times a week and the rest is stove top dinners, etc. And although my home doesnt look all that clean I do clean alot throughout the day!! I do several loads of laundry, sweep, pick up, clean the yard, take out all the garbage, re-pick up all the garbage when the dogs get into it lol. We have 5 people in our family so its REALLY hard to keep the house looking spotless with that many and I sometimes get overwhelmed by it all feeling like its all on me and I never get a thank you or acknowledgment for the effort I put into it. Im the one who worries when the kids are going to need new clothes, how are we gonna pay for it, when the kids need stuff for school, which bill are we gonna pay this week and how much, the past week I had to go to walmart to buy a gate for our puppy and as I stood there in walmart (as usual by myself) I started feeling resentful that I was having to stand there and decide which one would be best without any help or input. I guess I just dont feel like we are a team anymore and its killing me!!! I dont know if its me or him or what, all I do know is that I just feel like crawling into a hole and dying at times and that no one would care or even notice. I just wish we had some of that togetherness back and some of that romance back....I miss him..I miss us:(

P.S. I am so so sorry for the length of this..it has been built up for awhile now and I had nowhere to release it where I felt safe:)

New Here:)

I am new to all this and I am just starting to learn the in's and out's here. I have alot


my mind and its hard confiding or venting out to people who know you. I need an

outlet where I am free to write whats on my mind whether it be happy or sad and not

get judged or have a family member that reads it will go tell the whole family type of

thing. I think...no..I know...I need this for my own sanity. Looking forward to reading

other blogs, making new friends and just maybe find someone who feels the way I

sometimes do and has some good advice:)